These Crimson Eyes of Mine
by iyoku-ishi
Summary: Vincent Valentine has a secret. A secret no one can ever imagine that was supposed to stay secret, until one chaotic day...


Disclaimer: I own squat from FFVII. The only thing I own is the storyline and Fluffers the Chocobo" in this fanfiction. Oh yes, and the doctors.

This is my first attempt at a humorous oneshot fanfiction. I hope that everyone'll find it funny. The beginning paragraphs aren't supposed to be funny, but the story will get funnier later on.

Warning: the characters will be kind of OOC because of the humor. Perhaps very OOC.

Please also read my other fanfictions, Intricate (an Inuyasha/FFVII crossover) and What I Wish For (FFVII). Thanks!

* * *

**These Crimson Eyes of Mine**

Vincent Valentine had a secret. He had discovered it a few weeks after AVALANCHE had found him the basement of the Shinra Mansion. Of course, he had told this secret to nobody, and had kept it to himself all this time. It had been a year and a half since he had been found. It had been three months since the defeat of Sephiroth. Vincent could remember Hojo's defeat quite well. It had happened around two months before the battle with Sephiroth. Through rain, fire, wind, earth, disasters, storms, blood, battles, injuries, anger, and victories, Vincent had kept his secret all to himself. He never even hinted at it to anyone. The secret must stay secret. What was this secret Vincent was so keen to hide? Well…Vincent Valentine wore contact lenses.

He had discovered it one day. AVALANCHE had been fighting Demon's Gate in the Temple of Ancients earlier. They had gone to Gongaga after the disaster involving Sephiroth and the Black Materia. During the fight with the monster, Vincent had been hit in the face with Demon's Gate's Cave In attack. It had inflicted several unfriendly cuts to his face, but they were easily healed with a potion. However…a shard of ice from the attack had hit his left eye. Vincent had closed the eye just in time, but drops of water from the melted shard had gone into his eye. Vincent had rubbed it vigorously with his right hand, to clear out the water. That was when his eyes didn't feel right. It felt weird through the rest of the battle, through the destruction of the Temple of Ancients, through the incident with Sephiroth/Black Materia, and through the journey back to Gongaga. When they had arrived at the town, Vincent immediately went to the bathroom to look at his eye in the mirror. At first, Vincent didn't see anything. But then, he saw a bit of red from his iris bleed out to the white of his eye. Vincent squinted. He noticed that a tiny part of his iris looked…brown. Dark brown. Strange. Vincent had then proceeded to touch the red part that had bled into the white. To the sniper's amazement, a very thin, crimson-red circle was lying on his finger when he withdrew his hand. Vincent peered in the mirror again. His left eye was dark brown! Vincent stared at his right eye. He couldn't make out anything, so he gently touched the white of his eye, outside the iris. Another lens came off. Vincent's eyes were now dark brown. How astonishing. Hojo had put red contact lenses onto Vincent's eyes to make them look red! Why, he had been such an idiot of a scientist that he couldn't even succeed in changing Vincent's eye color. But, the contact lenses were well made. Vincent couldn't feel or see them in the mirror when he wore them. The gunman stared at the contact lenses. He could throw them away, of course…but the rest of the people in AVALANCHE had gotten used to seeing him with "red" eyes. They (the "red" eyes) made him look cool and intimidating. They also gave him power over others. Many people were scared of Vincent's "red" eyes. Vincent suspected that even some people in the group were scared of him. Hm…maybe he should wear the contact lenses.

"Hey Vincent! Can you hurry up? I want to take a shower," Tifa said, knocking on the door. Vincent jumped slightly. He calmed down, composed himself, and put the contact lenses back on. With that, he walked out of the bathroom.

°" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °"

Vincent sat on a stool in Tifa's new bar. AVALANCHE had decided to stay in Kalm for a while, basking in the delight of having defeated Sephiroth. Tifa had opened up a new bar, called "Seventh Heaven Revived". She had dragged Vincent over to it, insisting on him joining a "meeting" they were having. Cloud came down the stairs and joined the party.

"Ok, so, I've received some news that a big fire monster called Flamer is wreaking havoc in Cosmo Canyon." Red XIII jumped up.

"What! Cosmo Canyon!" Cloud nodded grimly.

"It's supposed to be powerful," he said seriously.

"Powerful my ass," Cid scoffed. "We've beaten that jackass Sephiroth, for $!ing sake! This'll be nothing!"

"I hope so," Tifa said, eyes worried. Red walked to the door.

"Come on, we've gotta hurry!" Everyone nodded and boarded the Highwind.

°" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °" °"

Flamer shot a ball of fire at the statue of Bugenhagen that was near the Cosmo Candle.

"NOOOO!" Red screamed. "STATUE OF GRANDPA, I'LL SAVE YOU!" He leapt in front of the statue and absorbed the fire attack (he was wearing a fire ring). Flamer, which was a gigantic, red-furred beast that resembled a bear with no ears, swung out a claw and scratched Red. He was thrown to the side. Red pawed at the ground. "NOOO! Before I die, I will confess my love to you, Statue of Grandpa!" Tifa went over to him.

"Relax Red, you're not gonna die. Cure 3!" Red healed. He gasped, looking at himself. He licked Tifa's cheek.

"Oh, thank you Tifa! Now, I shall go gallantly rescue Statue of Grandpa!" Red ran to the Statue of Grandpa. Flamer launched fire bolts at Cloud. Cloud ducked, but the fire bolts singed his hair. Cloud shrieked.

"AHHHHHHHHHH! MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL, GLISTENING, SILKY, SPIKY, BLOND HAIR!" Cloud started rolling on the ground, crying.

"Oh gawd," Yuffie said, looking at him. "Geez, what a wimp." She assumed a fighting stance. "Hai-ya! Bring it on, furball!" Flamer roared and swung an arm at her. She cut it with her Conformer. The monster screeched and shot flames at her. Yuffie dodged them and collided into Barret. "Ahhhhh! MARSHMALLOW!" she screamed.

"TWIG!" he roared back, falling onto the ground with Yuffie sprawled on top of him. Cait Sith blinked at them.

"Wow, I didn't know that you guys loved each other so much." Yuffie and Barret both jumped up, disgusted.

"GROSSNESS!"

"SICK!" Cait Sith blinked…then shrugged.

"$#&$/&!#!" Cid yelled as he stuck the Venus Gospel into the beast. Yuffie turned to Tifa.

"Can you understand him?" Tifa shook her head.

"Nope. Cid speaks in his own language. I think it's called Cidanese." Suddenly, Barret's vest was slashed off by Flamer. Barret blinked…then turned beet-red.

"AHHHH! I'M HALF-NAKED! NOOOOO!" He flung himself into a pile of compost. Vincent stood to the side, watching this. He shot Flamer a couple of times, then leapt aside smartly when Flamer tried to hit him. Yuffie held out the Conformer.

"Oh, I worship you, you great furry moogle!" she cried. "…ass. GAWD, HELP US FREAKING LEVIATHAN!" The water serpent came and drenched Flamer. Flamer screeched in pain as it started dying. It let out one last flame attack before it died.

"VINCENT! LOOK OUT!" Tifa shrieked. Vincent turned around. The flames engulfed him.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!" Vincent screamed as he clutched his face. Tifa ran over to him.

"Hold still!" she cried desperately. "Cure 3!" Vincent's burns healed, though he continued rolling on the floor. Vincent clutched his face, moaning. Tifa grabbed him. "What's wrong Vincent!" Vincent continued moaning. Tifa pried the gunman's hand away from his face. She saw his eyes tightly shut. He was still moaning. "Is it your eyes?" Tifa asked, concerned. Vincent nodded. She dragged him to Cosmo's Canyon's hospital, which was made up of one small house. She pounded on the door.

"Yes?" A doctor opened the door quickly. Tifa went into the house. She saw five more people lying on beds, injured.

"It's my friend," Tifa said quickly, hauling Vincent onto a bed. Something's wrong with his eyes." The doctor bent over Vincent, who still had his eyes shut tightly.

"Sir, can you open your eyes?" Vincent shook his head. "Alright, maybe this will help." The doctor dumped water over Vincent's face. Vincent continued moaning.

"Hurry!" Tifa cried to the doctor. He took a cup of potion.

"How about this?" He dumped it onto Vincent's eyes. Nothing happened. The doctor tried using a cup of hi-potion, elixir, ether, and even disinfectant. He also tried eye-drops, but they were to no avail. The doctor rushed to another doctor. He whispered in her ear and they consulted with her about something.

"What! You mean…" the other doctor said in a hushed voice, "_chemical X_?" The doctors looked at each other. They nodded.

"This is our last try," the male doctor said. "By the way, I'm Dr. Kyle and this is Dr. Jacky," he said, gesturing to the female doctor. "If this doesn't work, I don't know what to do." Dr. Jacky moved Vincent's head over the edge of the bed and held it over a metal tub. Dr. Kyle opened a locked cabinet and removed a five liter container full of a glowing, green substance.

"Is that…mako?" Tifa asked. The doctors nodded. Dr. Kyle poured a cup of mako (aka. chemical X), re-locked the cabinet, and carried the cup over to Dr. Jacky.

"The mako is for mako-saturated patients," he explained. "Your friend had mako in him, right?" Tifa nodded. Dr. Kyle suddenly dropped the cup by accident and broke it on Vincent's face. Dr. Jacky screamed.

"OHMYGODHE'SGONNADIE!" she shrieked.

"Noooooooooooooooo!" Dr. Kyle wailed. "THE HORROR! I WILL LOSE MY JUNIOR ILLEGAL DOCTOR'S DEGREE!" Tifa stared at them.

"You have an…illegal doctor's degree?" she asked Dr. Kyle. He froze.

"YESPLEASEDON'TTELLANYONE!" he…shrieked. "IFYOUDOI'MGONNADIEANDOHMYGODI'MGONNADIEANDBECOME-" Dr. Kyle stopped for breath. "-HOMELESSANDHAVETOLIVEONTHESTREETSLIKEAHOBOANDEWTHEY'RESODISGUSTINGANDOHMYGODI'MGONNADIIIIIIIIIE!" Suddenly, Vincent stopped twitching as the mako was absorbed into his eyes. Dr. Jacky stopped screaming and jumping up and down like an idiot. Dr. Kyle stopped yelling, and both doctors rushed over to Vincent.

"Can you open your eyes?" Dr. Jacky asked as she moved Vincent's head back onto the bed. Vincent frowned slightly, then slowly opened his eyes. Everything looked blurry. The sniper saw a shape bend over him.

"AHH IT'S THE COOKIE MONSTER!" he screamed. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"Well, they look normal," said Tifa's voice. Vincent's vision gradually cleared, and he was able to see clearly. He sat up. His eyes still felt funny…

"The contact lenses!" Vincent gasped, forgetting about the Cookie Monster and shaking his head furiously. He bounded to a mirror and stared at his eyes. They looked normal. Vincent touched the white part of his right eye, near the iris. nothing came off. Vincent tried again, nearly poking out his right eye. Nothing stuck to his finger. His eyes remained as red as ever. Vincent splashed water into his eyes, rubbed them, and looked again. Nothing had changed.

"You were wearing contact lenses?" Dr. Kyle asked. Vincent nodded. Tifa told the doctors how Vincent got burned.

"So, do you guys know what happened to him?" Tifa asked. Dr. Kyle's jaw had dropped and he was drooling slightly.

"Uh, I dunno," he said in a dumb voice. Tifa blinked, then turned to Dr. Jacky. She was looking at her hands.

"Dr. Jacky?" Tifa asked. "Do you…"

"OHMYGOD, a hangnail!" Dr. Jacky cried out in a girly, high-school voice.

"Dr. Kyle?"

"Uh, I dunno."

"Dr. Jacky?"

"A HANGNAIL! THE HORROR!"

"Dr. Kyle…?"

"Just press that s&! to turn on the water and wash that crap that's on your b#$/y damned face, then break that s&# to smudge your damned masa-crap so that you can go kill your b&/#y self," Dr. Kyle said suddenly, sounding freakily like Cid. Tifa…stared.

"…what?" she asked disbelievingly. Dr. Kyle stared back at Tifa.

"…huh?" he said in his normal voice.

"…never mind," Tifa said.

"So, what happened to me?" Vincent asked, whipping out the Death Penalty and pressing the gun to Dr. Kyle's forehead. "Tell me now. Or else," he added in an Evil Sephiroth-like voice. Dr. Kyle sweat-dropped.

"Well…when you got hit by the fire, the contact lenses melted right into your eyes. They stained your irises the color they were, and you would've gone blind, but the mako in your prevented that. What color were your eyes, before?"

"Dark brown," Vincent answered quietly. Tifa stared at him.

"You wore contact lenses all the time?" she asked dumbly. The doctor continued on, as Vincent ignored Tifa.

"Well, your eyes are now permanently red."

"You needed contact lenses?" Tifa asked, still staring. Vincent shook his head.

"Hojo put them on my eyes because he failed to even change my eye color. I realized this is Gongaga, after the battle in the Temple of Ancients. Since you were all so used to my eyes being red, I kept them on. They did not affect my eyesight in any way."

"But, now your eyes are red. For real," Tifa stated. Vincent nodded slowly.

"Permanently," Dr. Kyle added.

"Great," Vincent said tonelessly. Suddenly, Cloud burst into the room.

"TIFA! THE CHOCOBOS DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!" he cried. "THEY TOLD ME 'wark wark, wark wark wark. Wark wark wark, wark wark wark _wark wark warrrrrrrrk_!"

"…" everyone said.

"What will I doooooooo!" Cloud wailed. "Now none of the females will mate with me, and I can't have those little chocobo babies I've always dreamed of! There will be no wark, wark wark, waaaaarrrrk, or Cloudy Jr.!"

"…chocobos?" Vincent asked flatly.

"…Cloudy Jr.?" Tifa said, looking at Cloud weirdly. Barret suddenly burst into the hospital.

"AHHHH!" Vincent screamed, pointing. "IT'S THE COOKIE MONSTER!"

"AHHHH!" Cloud shrieked. "IT'S THE DUNGMAN!"

"…AHHHHH!" Tifa yelled. "HE'S HALF-NAKED!"

"…what's that stuck to him?" Vincent asked.

"I think it's a twig," Tifa answered.

"…help," the twig said feebly.

"THE TWIG IS TALKING!" Cloud screamed. "THE WORLD HAS COME TO AN END!" He dropped dramatically onto the floor. The twig fell off Barret and was revealed to be a shaken Yuffie. Cloud calmed down, got up, and went over to her.

"Are you alright? It must've been scary to be stuck to the Dungman." Yuffie looked up.

"OH MY GAWD!" she screamed. "YOU'RE NOT CLOUD! CHOCOBOS WON'T MATE WITH YOU!" She ran back to Barret. "COOKIE MONSTER, SAVE ME!"

"I KNEW IT!" Vincent shouted triumphantly. "It's the Cookie Monster!"

"ROAR!" Barret roared.

"AHHHH! TIFA, SAVE ME!" Cloud jumped into the girl's arms. Tifa looked down. "I want my mommy," Cloud whimpered. Red and the Statue of Grandpa came rolling into the room, doing…

"ARRRRRRRRGH, IT BURNS!" Tifa shrieked and covered her eyes.

"I love you, Statue of Grandpa," Red said in a husky voice.

"…" said the Statue of Grandpa.

"Red, I do not think that the Statue of Grandpa enjoys you molesting it," Vincent commented. Cid came into the room.

"$#&/$/#," he said.

"Uh…does anyone speak Cidanese?" Yuffie asked.

"I do!" Cait Sith said, suddenly popping into the room.

"…ookay," Yuffie said. "So, what did he say?"

"He said that he's glad that the big, ugly, red thing's gone," Cait Sith translated.

"!#$#&&!$/&#/&#!" Cid said.

"!$/$&&#," Cait Sith said.

"$&!&$#!" Cid exclaimed.

"&#$!$!" Cait Sith replied excitedly.

"$/#&!" Cid yelled.

"#$/$!" Cait Sith cried. "/#/&!"

"…" everyone said.

"Hey guys!" Aeris jumped into the room suddenly.

"…" everyone replied. Aeris was wearing heavy punk/goth makeup with heavy punk/goth clothes. She looked like a gangster that was punk/goth.

"Yo, so what's up?" she asked.

"…" was the answer.

"I had to exchange my s#$in' good ass for a biyatchy personality to be alive again," she said.

"…" everyone said.

"Whoa, why won't you foo's answer me?" Aeris questioned.

"Um…" Tifa supplied for an answer.

"Yo biyatch, so, what's up with you foo's ass?" Aeris asked.

"…what?" Tifa said.

"God, you foo's are so friggin' stupid that you foo's don't even know what gangsta s$# I'm talkin' 'bout, yo," Aeris said, sighing.

"…Aeris?" Cloud ventured timidly.

"Yeah, jackass?" the girl said.

"What do you mean?" Cloud questioned, looking offended.

"Yo, jackass mean's donkey, man," Aeris replied, shaking her head. "Don't yo foo's even know a piece of s$/# like that, biyatch?"

"…huh?" Cloud said.

"God, you foo', you're so stupid man," Aeris told him. "So, what's up with your asses, ya'll?"

"…Vincent wears contact lenses," Tifa blurted out.

"WHAT!" everyone exclaimed.

"No way!" Yuffie cried.

"Impossible!" Cloud yelled.

"$!#$!" Cid exclaimed.

"You're kidding me!" Cait Sith shouted.

"…" Red said, staring up at Vincent, still on the Statue of Grandpa.

"Yo foo', shut your ass!" Aeris shrieked.

"I don't believe it!" Barret roared.

"He does!" Tifa protested. "Well…he _did_."

"Did…?" Cloud asked.

"Yo, explain now biyatch," Aeris told Tifa. "or I'll knock your foo's damned ass off."

"…ok then," Tifa said. She launched into the story.

"So, Flamer was dying cause of the Leviathan summon and he let out one last fire attack which blasted Vincent off his feet and Vincent got hurt so I cured him but there was a problem with his eyes so I brought him into the hospital and the doctors dumped all sorts of junk onto Vincent's eyes but none of them worked so they decided to use chemical X which is mako so they did that and Vincent's eyes were okay but he got up and started poking his eye and was all like 'my contact lenses!' so the doctor was like 'oh, they melted into your eyes and the mako saved you from going blind' so now Vincent's eyes are permanently red cause of the melted contact lenses which were red and they were put on him cause Hojo was a stupid scientist and didn't know how to change eye color," Tifa said, all very fast.

"…I UNDERSTAND YOU!" Cloud yelled happily. "So, what did you say again?"

"…" went Tifa.

"Well, jackass," Aeris explained, "Teef here said that that s#$in' Flama dude was like all dying his crappin' ass off, so he like let out a big s$# full of flame into Vince here. Vince got hurt, and biyatch cured his damned ass, but his freaking eyes still had problems, so Teef brought him to this lame hospital. The jackasses here dumped s#/$ onto Vince's eyes, but none of the crap worked, so they used this s&/$ called chemical X, which is basically damned mako, and the crap worked. Vince here opened his crappin' eyes and was all like 'my contact lenses!', and the beaches were all like 'oh, they melted into your eyes and the mako saved you from going blind', and all that friggin' stuff. Basta' here was wearing the freaking things cause that Hojo jackass was so stupid that he didn't even know how to damned well change Vince's foo' eye color. So screw you."

"Thanks Aeris!" Cloud said cheerfully. "Why couldn't you be clearer, Tifa?" Tifa was at a loss for words.

"Excuse me," Vincent said quietly, "but I _am_ here, you know."

"'Course we didn't damned well forget your s$&in' ass," Aeris said. Vincent blinked.

"…" he said. Suddenly, Red let out a disturbing groan.

"Statue of Grandpa, this isn't working!" he said tearfully.

"…Red, it's a _statue_," Yuffie told him, exasperated. "Really."

"Dude, I think Red's gay," Aeris commented.

"$!#&$!" Cid agreed.

"He said 'totally'," Cait Sith translated.

"Vincent, why didn't you tell us about the contact lenses before?" Tifa asked. Vincent frowned.

"Well, I wouldn't look macho if I did," he replied.

"Really, what's with guys and macho?" Barret asked in a girly voice.

"Uh…in case you haven't noticed, you're a guy too," Yuffie said.

"…oh." Barret looked outraged. "_What_! So I threw myself into the compost for nothing! Guys can walk around half-naked, but girls can't!"

"…isn't it kinda obvious that you're a guy?" Cloud asked.

"Well…I always thought that I was a guyish girl with a really small bust," Barret confessed.

"…" everyone said.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" an evil voice cackled, out of nowhere.

"S$#! What was that, jackass!" Aeris exclaimed.

"I don't know!" Yuffie cried.

"Mommy, save me!" Cloud shrieked. Hojo appeared out of nowhere, hovering above the ground in spirit form.

"MY EXPERIMENT HAS WORKED!" he declared.

"…huh?" Tifa said.

"THE CONTACT LENSES HAVE STAINED VINCENT'S EYES RED!" Hojo yelled gleefully.

"…" said Vincent.

"Why didn't you just change his eye color directly?" Yuffie asked.

"…" Hojo looked annoyed. "…well…I…um…"

"YO JACKASS, YOU'RE FRIGGIN' STUPID!" Aeris crowed.

"…" said Hojo. "Damn."

"MUHAHAHAHAHA!" Vincent burst out suddenly. Everyone looked at him in alarm.

"…Vincent?" Cloud asked. Vincent smiled the Evil Sephiroth Smile.

"YOU DID NOT SUCCEED AT ALL!" Vincent yelled.

"Shut up!" Hojo shouted back.

"AND YOU OWE ME LUCRECIA!" Vincent continued gleefully.

"…huh? Why?" Hojo asked.

"Because…THE COOKIE MONSTER EXSISTS!" Vincent declared. "I ALWAYS KNEW THAT FLUFFERS THE CHOCOBO " WAS GOOD FOR YOU!"

"…well, Lucrecia's dead," Hojo said. "So…YOU LOSE!"

"…" said Vincent. "No, actually, I don't, because…I CLAIM HER KINDRED SPIRIT!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Hojo wailed. "HOW COULD YOU!"

"MUHAHAHAHAHA!" Vincent laughed maniacally. "BOW DOWN TO THE MIGHTY VINCENT!"

"You evil man!" Hojo sobbed. "Why…why!"

"I'M THE COOKIE MONSTER!" Barret yelled, jumping in front of Hojo. "GIVE ME COOKIES!"

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Hojo screamed, flying away from the building.

"…well, that works," Yuffie said, blinking.

"I didn't know that you watched Fluffers the Chocobo"," Cloud said to Vincent. Vincent pouted prissily.

"Well, I do," he said, sticking his nose up in the air.

"Hey, you know how to do Evil Sephiroth Smiles. Are you his dad?" Yuffie asked Vincent. Vincent shook his head.

"No…Hojo is." Everyone looked disgusted.

"Ew…she _did it_ with that sick freak?" Cait Sith questioned.

"Yes," Vincent said. "You see, Hojo injected Formula Z into her so she thought that Hojo was me."

"I STILL WON!" Hojo shouted insanely, popping back into the room.

"I'M THE COOKIE MONSTER! GIVE ME COOKIES!" Barret screamed, leaping onto Hojo's spirit and crashing onto the floor.

"AHHHHHHHHHH! GET HIM AWAY FROM MEEEEEE! THE GEERRRMMSSS!" Hojo shrieked, flying away again.

"Hey Aeris," Cloud said in a sexy voice.

"Hey basta'," Aeris replied. "So, you s#in' your ass lately?" Cloud blinked.

"…of course. Yeah, my ass s&/s just fine," he replied.

"Come on Statue of Grandpa," Red said, still using a husky voice. "I want to make lo-"

"$#/&#!" Cid yelled, shattering the Statue of Grandpa.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Red screamed, writhing. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Cid said that he was sick of Red sicking sick," Cait Sith explained. Vincent felt annoyed that no one was paying attention to him, so he jumped and yelled.

"I HAVE RED EYES!" he screamed like a maniac. "WATCH IT BURN!" Vincent pointed at the pieces of the Statue of Grandpa. "BURN!" he yelled, glaring at them. The pieces burst into flame. Red howled.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'LL DIE WITH YOU!" Red jumped into the fire and it disappeared. Red blinked. "Eh…what happened?" he asked.

"Yo foo', you're wearing a damned fire ring, biyatch," Aeris told him, rolling her eyes.

"Oh," Red said. "NOOOOOOOO! MY ONE TRUE LOVE IS GONE!"

"CONTACT LENSES!" Vincent screamed. "I mean…RED EYES!" Vincent cackled insanely. "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"/#$&!$&/#!" Cid said.

"He said, yo man, calm down," Cait Sith translated.

"Yo foo's, let's go, jackasses," Aeris said, doing the hand thing. She left.

"Wait dearest!" Cloud called after her. "If I can't have the chocobos, I want yoooooou!"

"Statue of Grandpa…" Red moaned as he was dragged out the door by Barret, also known as the Cookie Monster.

"I'm a twig," Yuffie squeaked. "Twigs burn easily!" She ran out of the hospital.

"$#&!" Cid said.

"$!#/&!#$&!" Cait Sith replied, and they both left. Tifa looked at Vincent.

"Bye," she said. "See you outside." She left. Vincent looked around the room. Somehow, the doctors and patients had all disappeared. Vincent sighed and shook his head.

"These crimson eyes of mine," he murmured, and exited the hospital.

* * *

Phew! Story's over. Hope everyone finds it funny! This is my first attempt at a completely humorous fic, so I apologize if it wasn't funny. I found it funny, and I hope that you guys do too! By the way, Fluffers the Chocobo" is like…Telletubbies or however you spell that show. And…also like Sesame Street. Lol. Aeris: "Yo foo', listen up, you'd betta review or I'll beat up your little damned s#&/in' ass, biyatch!" Ahem…sorry about her. Please **REVIEW**! Thank you. 

PS. You know the part where Dr. Kyle accidentally let's out that he has an "illegal doctor's degree", and Tifa's like "you have an…illegal doctor's degree?"? Well, if you couldn't figure out the long jumble of words that Dr. Kyle says after that, here they are in normal sentences and correct grammar:

"Yes, please don't tell anyone!" he…shrieked. "If you do, I'm gonna die and oh my god I'm gonna die and become-" Dr. Kyle stopped for breath. "-homeless and have to live on the streets like a hobo and, ew, they're so disgusting, and oh my god I'm gonna diiiiiiie!"


End file.
